“Standing in church that day, listening to the worship song rising around me, I could no longer sing. The choking sensation started in my chest and bubbled up to my throat in waves of emotion. It’s interesting; I don’t even remember the verses we were singing! But in that moment, I realized, how many times have I stood here in this row, singing this song and asked, sometimes begged, for a child? It had been three years. Three years of being labeled “infertile,” given pills, injections, hope, bad news and a collection of negative pregnancy tests. This Sunday, however, I had you. We had just started feeling you really kick and move. I’ll never forget our trip to Dallas; your daddy felt you for the first time, his eyes were huge in disbelief! It was probably like this moment in church for me; you were dancing to the music in the comfort of my belly. No one could see you yet, not like now with your big catfish movements, but it was just me and you, like a secret conversation. Your daddy can usually tell when we are having these moments; I can barely keep my hands off my belly these days. I love to feel you wiggle and squirm. I try to focus on sending all my love from my heart to surround you in there.
To take you through the years we tried for you would require a novel. I think I can sum it up though: Vivienne, you are wanted, you were created by God for this time, you were stitched together perfectly in my womb, you are the daughter of two parents who love each other very much, two parents who are a little nuts and a lot flawed but who tirelessly tried for you. You are loved. You are so loved. You were prayed for by a village of people, before you came into this world and even now, even forever. Our desire is that you would know all these things and that you would know Jesus.
Just writing this letter and dreaming of meeting you and being your mom, tears are flowing because I thought maybe this day would never come. Yet, here you are, kicking me again, a reminder that you are mine. And little girl, just wait till you meet your daddy…you hit the jackpot with that one.
Any day now. We can’t wait to hold you.”
To my boys…
On the day I married your Daddy we exchanged vows with each other, leaving me with a moment I think of every now and then. The part when he said, “…and the mother of my children,” will forever make me smile when I think back to that day. Your Daddy choked up as the words left his mouth, he wiped a tear from his eye, and it was then that I knew how much he looked forward to a life with both of you.
Fast forward three years. Mason Cruz, you are my baby. You are the one who made me Mama, the one who made me feel a love I never knew I could, and the one with the plumpest, cold cheeks that I absolutely cannot keep my lips from kissing every chance I get. You want to be your Daddy. You’re only two years old and he is already so proud of you, because in this short amount of time you’ve already fulfilled his idea of what a father is to a son.
Fast forward two more years. Graham Taylor, we’ve only just met you and your laid back personality but know you were definitely meant to be Mason’s brother. Heaven forbid you cry. “Gam ok?” he says. I can already tell your big brother is never going to let anything happen to you and I hope you will be the best of friends. I wasn’t sure how to love two children but you quickly stole my heart and now I can’t take my eyes off you.
Daddy and I keep talking about watching you boys grow up together. It’s going to be loud. It’s going to be dirty. It’s going to have an unpleasant smell to it. But most of all, it’s going to be fun. So fun. We thought we had it all for so long now, but our lives are just beginning.