Blake and I tried for a little over two years to get pregnant. It was difficult, but it was not as bad as it
sounds. This is only because the presence of God was so obvious, it was impossible to become
obsessed or overwhelmed with it. This is not to say I was not sad or disappointed at times, but it was
manageable. I also don’t want to document this as if getting pregnant was not a tremendous blessing
for which I begged; it was a witnessing of the fulfillment of the faithfulness of God as He is gracious
enough to gently guide me through the experience rather than it becoming a ruination of my life for
over two years.
There was a particular two week period in which we found out that five people, all family and close
friends, were going to have babies. All were tentative to tell us and somewhat apologetic. Others
would say things like “I know you probably feel broken” or “you probably do not feel feminine” or things
like that. I never felt an ounce of these feelings. I also never gave way to jealousy to others
conceiving. This is not because I am particularly strong or of a higher emotional capability, but
because that is what it is like when Jesus lives in someone. I did have feelings of melancholy and I did
long to be a part of the excitement, but because Jesus lives in me, these feelings did not breed
frustration and anger, which often gives way to envy, self-pity, or rage. Rather I only experienced brief
sadness from time to time, which gave me the opportunity and experience of being comforted by God;
just another blessing. I am even more thankful for this, as now those five babies, all of whom have just
been born, will be cousins and potential friends surrounding our baby. God knows what He is doing
and His timing is perfect.
God spoke to me, concerning this baby, more than He has in any other season of my life. This
happened both through other people and direct words. One of the very first things spoken to me was
after our first appointment with my OBGYN a year and a half after hoping to have a baby. Now, before
coming to this appointment we had researched IVF. God told me, very clearly, that we “were not going
to have to do this” as I was researching. However at our appointment, my doctor told us that we had a
5-15% chance of conceiving without the help of in vitro fertilization. Moments after speaking with my
doctor and leaving the office I was praying and heard God speak again that “I am going to make this
seem impossible so that when it happens you will know it was from me.”
So just to paraphrase I had two direct words that basically concluded: 1. You will have a baby 2. It is
going to seem as if it cannot happen (Thankfully we know with God all things are possible). 3. God is
going to do it through means other than IVF. We have no problem with IVF, we were just
overwhelmed by the cost, stress, and probability of it working. God can use IVF just like anything else.
We committed to ruling out certain procedures and medication. We were open to finding out more on
each of our conditions as we did not feel convicted or lacking faith, but we prepared ourselves to know
that it might seem impossible and to not get discouraged. God is so good that He warned us. It
became possible that Blake had some issues. We were referred to a fertility clinic in Little Rock.
Everything tested did not come back positive. The doctor was so surprised that he ordered the same
test and the results came back worse than the first time.
Sometimes I think that we got confirmation to dig deeper so that we would truly understand what God
did, the true impossibility of our situation. I like to think that God shows off in this way. God was also
good enough to warn us ahead of time but also told us the end result. Blake ended up having a small
procedure done and three months after it, we became pregnant. I love the Lord. He is so faithful and
good that I can’t understand it. He is not only good and capable of anything but one thing that stands
out to me is He is very real. He is involved and aware and an active participant in our lives. It is a
humbling and comforting thing. We pray that God will equip us to be good parents and that He will
provide health, strength, and a sweet spirit to our baby.
Last week we were blessed to have Kala in our home taking maternity pictures. Most of them were
taken in baby’s nursery. It’s so funny to me. This room has been a place that was dead in our home,
void of activity, cheerfulness, or life. We had the vents shut off, the door stayed closed, and we
entered only rarely to throw something in for which we could not find a place. Now, it is the focal point
of our home. It is a place Blake engrossed himself in preparing and I peek in each day and smile. It
has quickly become our favorite place in our home and is full of excitement and life. I love that our
pictures are here and represent that change.